A Politically Correct Prayer
DIRECTIVE TO ALL STUDENTSThis prayer is promulgated by our public school district as part of its ongoing effort to alert students to the fact that some people believe it is possible that God exists and to the further possibility that he, she, it or they may be desirous of communication from you. This should not be construed as an implication that God is of any particular race, sex or creed.
The following prayer should be memorized, or at least written on the palm of your hand.
PRAYEROh great, but not necessarily superior, being who dwells beyond this plane of existence and who is accessible only through prayer, meditation or crystals, we salute you without thereby acknowledging that you are entitled to greater respect than that accorded any other endangered species.
We hope to pass through your plane of existence at some point on our psychic journey to the same exalted status as marine mammals or even snail darters. Moreover, to the extent your design for the universe coincides with the U.S. Constitution and includes low-cost access to cable, we ask you to provide us our minimum daily requirements of essential vitamins and nutrients consistent with FDA guidelines, and when judging us be duly mindful of our status as victim, which provides full justification for what might appear on superficial examination to be felonious. In the same vein, we will endeavor to excuse and forgive those who have transgressed against us, with the possible exception of our parents, teachers, policemen and clergy about whom we have just resurrected disturbing memories. We ask all of this in the name of your prophet qqqq. [Here on alternating weeks substitute names drawn from the consensus of the class. Some suggestions for early in the year: L. Ron Hubbard, Ayatollah Khomeni, Patricia Ireland, Mike Wallace.]
This school disclaims any and all warranties of fitness for any particular purpose and will not be responsible for personal injury or death that may result from reliance on this prayer.
Abridged, from THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, January 13, 1995